Gay @ NIT

-Nipun Arora

I am Gay. 3 words…and suddenly you are so interested. It’s like declaring that I am an extra-terrestrial. Only difference being, it’s me who is scared and not you.

Imagine, being someone whose mere acceptance requires a well constructed, research backed, argumentative case. It’s like having to spend years building up arguments, finding scientific back-ups and examples just to prove that I can exist. Finally, even after all that imagine being assumed guilty by default. To those who think am complaining; well yes I am. Here’s why…

Every day of my life, I have to live with a knowledge that one of these days I will be forced to make a choice…between who I am and people I love- my family, my friends. To know, that very soon, by no fault of mine, I am going to become my parent’s biggest shame. That soon I’ll be considered a self-explained abomination, even diseased. And now, try smiling.

This is how it is to be a closeted homosexual in India. And you know what; am still luckier than many who are like me. To those who think this piece of writing is fictitious, and an attempt by a writer, who has seen too many gay movies, to capture the melancholia of being gay….well, it gets a little more exciting than that…you see, the writer is a gay guy who studies in your college with you guys, eats in your hostel mess and sits in classes with you guys.

So, as I was saying, I live silently, hiding that one lone thing that makes me different from you…watching as you joke about me, afraid to fight and lose to the dictatorship that is your majority. You know, it’s suffocating at times to just simmer in love I can’t confess, in anger I can’t express and in fears I can’t dispense. And still, am luckier than many who are like me. Why? Well, because, if I went to Saudi Arabia, my legal punishment for existing would have been to be STONED PUBILICALLY TO DEATH. Sounds like a fun holiday, no?

Homophobia is basically ignorance of homosexuality transforming into fear and leading to a vocal and physical retaliation against it. Lets deal with the ignorance first. Many will think I am a sex depraved straight guy who took to homosexuality because I couldn’t score a girl…well, I don’t want to score a girl, and trust me, I could have if I wanted to. Let us have a little flash back.

I’ve had feelings for guys for as long as I can rembember., even when I didn’t understand what it was to be a gay. Even before I knew that being one is an option. I thought it was a passing stage and maintained I was straight for such a long time. I flirted with girls, acted a Casanova, and used to watch straight (heterosexual) porn with focus on the guys. It was only after I fell for a guy, kissed him and spent time with him that I realized that all these feelings felt so right and natural.

Once I had accepted it myself, then started the fight. Life became a constant debate, and the debate became my life, a debate which I HAD to win, because if I lost it, it meant losing in eyes of others my right to be embraced or even considered equal. And watching documentaries being made on “people like me”, being researched on and seeing people argue whether being me was moral or not did not help…I mean, would you feel special if you were approached as an abnormality or a live taboo?

Now, why should it matter if I wanted to do a girl or a boy? How is it anyone else’s business other than mine? But no, you will all pass opinions and judge me. That is how it is if you are a presumably fictional character. An exotic animal in a zoo. An Indian Gay!!! And trust me, there are so many more like me trapped among you. 1 out of every 10 guys sitting around you right now is gay…and I am not making this up, this is the result of an official anonymous survey. And if you think that’s way too many to be true, well think about me; none of you ever knew that one of us existed in your college until I wrote this. You are probably sitting next to one and judging me badly, and he knows that. That is exactly why he is silent. Even my friends didn’t believe me when I first told them, but I can say proudly, and this is honestly the thing I am most thankful for in my life, that they still stand fast beside me like they have always had.

“Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is found in only one. Which one seems unnatural now?”

Here’s the list of personalities who are/were either gay or bisexual:

To the gays who are reading this and have never tried to test the waters out of fear, my friends, even though it’s not an easy life, accepting myself was still the best thing that I ever did. I now extend a hand i wish I myself was offered. Just know that you are not alone. I understand the struggle…but it’s time that things changed. They are all out there making things happen…The National Organization of Gay and Lesbian Scientists and Technical Professionals, the PFLAG– Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays. I want to start QueerCampus in our college. Google it. Together, we can make this possible…at least take the first steps…Also, Wiki Matthew Shepard

To those who are still smug, one last thing, I have been there and I’ve seen married men (maybe even your fathers) wander in gay parties looking for company, lying to their wives, bedding teenage boys their son’s age. It’s pathetic, I know. But it’s such because of a reason; and that reason, I have no qualms when I say this; is you.