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Ramblings of a lonely Teenage Mind

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-Selva Saravanan

Being a gay teen who has never stepped out of the closet, who pretends to be straight and at times even a homophobe just to “fit in” with the society around me; the thing which I lack the most is companionship. Not that I am friendless, but I don’t have friends like me.

Now why is it that I want gay friends, why aren’t friends just enough? Well, the reasons are so many. Adolescence is that time of one’s life when the hormones get activated and throw you into the process of looking for a possible mate. When all your close friends are checking out girls and commenting on various assets pertaining to the female anatomy, you feel you don’t fit in. You don’t fit in with that same gang of guys with whom you’ve been hanging around since childhood!

And every time I am asked who my latest crush is, I half wish I could tell them the truth and point the guy out to them but I play by the rules and blurt out the name of some hot chick to escape that situation. At times I am forced to describe the features of the girl that attracts me the most and very dutifully I do it too, only to feel sick of myself later on.

Now imagine when one of your best friends develops a serious affection for a girl, what does he do? He comes and confides in you and nearly bores you to death singing her praises. From then on, for every smile she gives, for every word she utters, for every gesture she makes, for every glance in his direction; you will have to prepare for another session of your friend’s impassioned love-struck monologues. But if I fall for a guy, whom can I possibly tell that I like him, leave alone talking about the developments in your secret love-life. There begins this loneliness.

When a girl ditches one of your close friends, or there is some problem between your friend and his date you are there to give him your shoulder to cry on and soothe him and comfort him. But when the guy whom you’ve been having a crush on for ages takes a girl out and your heart is broken because of that silly thing, who would you go and approach for comfort? There continues this loneliness.

You may have a plethora of online friends, but it is definitely not the same as confiding in your closest friends who’ve seen you through thick and thin.

Belonging to a gang of ten guys of whom nearly eight are committed, the pressure from the gang for you to look for someone too increases. Then your own longing to fall in love with someone also goes up, fuelled by the jealousy that sometimes springs up looking at all those happy couples around you (come on, we’re all human beings and it is normal to feel jealous!) . This is further aggravated when your friends are most of the time pre-occupied with texting or calling up their girl friends. Then you feel you are unwelcome there – forced to spend evenings staring at walls, shouting at god or taking your anger out on unsuspecting people.

Further aggravations get caused when the guys go out for treats together as couples and you-the single guy- gets invariably left out! And I will skip all the other little things that make me feel as if I am living alone on a planet.

Now you may ask me, why don’t I come out then and live in the open! I don’t mind! I don’t mind revealing to the whole world my gay identity. But I am afraid these people I call my friends may mistake me. What if they think I had a crush on them from some small silly gesture? That would definitely shatter my world because since the time I found out I was gay, I’ve never had a crush on even a single friend of mine.

So for now, the closet is where I’ll be, talking pseudo-excitedly about the female anatomy and about the women who set my heart spinning and such holy crap; but always with a longing that my world would one day change.

Before I conclude, let me just take my hat off to all those generations of gay people before me who endured much more suffering and loneliness than me. I at least have a few online friends but they didn’t even have those to confide in. With this, I bid adieu now. Hopefully we meet again soon, discussing brighter things under the Sun.

Gaylaxy
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8 Responses

  1. netnate for you

    hi,

    you are not alone.. the sad thing is.. there are many like you who remain lonely and alone for the rest of their lives.. as gays can be soo promiscuous..

    hope you get the one you are looking for.. but i wudnt be surprised if you dont. dont chase a mirage.. it will lead you into the wilderness of desperation and quiet frustration!

    enjoy life…. but do realize its not easy to be happy and GAY at the same time…

  2. Jay

    I know exactly how you feel! I’m 19 now and I came out to my best friends last year, both girls. And this year, I told a whole bunch of other people. I think you might find that people are more tolerant that they appear to be. So telling people might not be bad idea…maybe you can test the waters first to find out what they really think. That’s what I did.
    All these years have been quite horrible. I completely identify with this feeling of being pressured to find a girlfriend. It’s the worst. It happened to me when I was 13. And I gave in to the pressure. That year was quite bad. I pretended that I was in love with her and all sorts of things only because I didn’t want to be the odd one out.
    There would be so many times that I would be dying to tell my friends about the boys I like and I just couldn’t.

    I hope you can tell your friends soon, or that you can find others who you think will be tolerant. P.S: I told one of my friends, this guy who’s as straight as they come, and he never ever thought that I had/have/will have a crush on him.
    Even now, when I tell someone, I think they are going to say “OH MY GOD!” But they don’t. They just say ok. And life goes on 🙂

  3. vivek

    hi selva,
    You jus mirrorred my thoughts…i’ve been living your life for years now..but when the time comes bot of us will come out too ppl who matter to us..so dont worry mate…dunno if you’re reading this but if interested we can catch up..lemme know…

  4. Varun

    Wel i wud jst say u r rite…
    Same hapns wid me bt the nly difrnc is dat i hv a frnd who is a girl..nd she knws abt me….
    Wel atractng to guys is vry bt to tel wt u want frm thm is lyk to search pearl frm ocean…
    Nthng more jst leave on ur dstny..

  5. Hadi Hussain

    Dear Saravanan

    You have indeed chalked out the experiences of what most of gay men go through in their lives. I myself came out when I was 24 and before that I was doing what you have described. I used to feel that my family and friends whom I have lived for decades will hate me or disown me but one fine day I said to myself “Fuck every one. If they truly love me than they will be with me. Otherwise it’s better to end those relationships who cannot take you as you are.” I came out slowly and gradually and not a single person abandoned me. Although it took some time for few to understand but everything ended up well.

    And talking of happiness and contentment, well I thought maybe I remain closeted, marry a girl, have kids and make everyone happy. Than I’ll have companionship, and maybe happiness but than I thought of those couples who face divorce, separation or death of a spouse. I think of their loneliness and I concluded that sexual orientation doesn’t have anything to do with happiness. Life is full of chances.

    I read somewhere that if you want to change something, become that change. That’s what I m doing. I wish you all the very best in your life. Don’t worry. You see if good times don’t last for never than why would bad times.

  6. RAJ KUMAR

    i am also in the same phase as u r and sometimes i just feel that i should just shout it out that i am gay and just see whatever happens. but really when i think of doing it, i start having thoughts that if i do that what will happen to me in my office and will i be able to handle that as i am not very mentally strong…..dont know what to do…

  7. Aplusk

    Hey Selva Saravanan.. All that you wrote is completely true which is been faced by almost each of the millions and billions Homosexual men who some how has to shatters the doors of there liking at some point or to grow under own skin finding self solution due to these indoctrinated society… These has led to many miserable life of Homosexual men which they never deserve at first place. I am not open about my sexuality. I hardly believe one has to publish it in society, where in my case I some people suspected me as gay, but I was never even brought to the state to revile anything, practically no one would dare to taunt me or disgrace me because the respect I win form them being young athletic, well known stylish western follower, happy but still among the crowd guy…. And the most due to my well know parents and the paparazzi made out of my relation with one of the most prestigious catholic and rich family’s girl who love me…! So I ve lot N number of straight friends.. Between I had faced the same situation that you wrote in your article, which later I decided to make best use of everything I got in my life to change the perception of as many people as I can who could be or are homophobia.. The best way and very working formula I use, to talk about suspected gay men in positive view but in very mumbaikar and Indian way not falling in complete favor which I ve seen changed many guys perception who are close to me and I am happy cuz I can say I am making something out of nothing. after all those debate and high standard takes that is been going since ages now about Homosexuality in the square room box filled with bunch of people for listening out of which some have only agenda of making their own impression… I choose to be secure and start revolution from inside .Blacks where treated under racism where black people where living in the mostly every part of the world. And they without fail proved their life is as vital as whites and they could be better than whites.. Truly even still all the famous black people would use there image as weapon to prove that they are not less.. So Simply the rules apply for every criteria in the universe unless you prove they wont except…! And they will accept everything what is been shown to them in there manner form…!
    For better understanding of homosexuality in the society I use my image and simple formulas to bring atleast a slight change in their views into positive view of homosexuality…! With the increase of showing positive sides of homosexuality on television and movies its changing view specially new Generation..
    I ve started inside revolution when I was 16, have you yet? Iam 22 and proud Human to say I made worth of what I could have thought I could starting when I felt left alone and my world imperfect when everything was perfect around…!!!

  8. selva

    Sorry guys for not responding earlier…just learned about ur comments from our editor…..thanks for the encouraging words and sympathy….. I ll get back to each one of u persinall after my exams….till then godspeed in all ur endeavours….