I read the article titled Why Indian Gay Men Get Married to a Womanand felt a bit upset. I don’t have answers to all the issues raised in the article, but I will try to answer a few :
Support system :
“We are in the shadow and we have no one whom we can complain to if things get messy … [in straight relationships] you have the safety of your family, your friends … But not so in case of gay men.”
Yes, there is a lack of support system for gay relationships. So maybe we should put in efforts to create it for ourselves.
We should try to be open about our relationship to our friends & family. So that we have someone looking out for us, someone to help us when there are problems in the relationship. Only we can convince our family and friends that our gay relationship is worthy of respect and love.
Sometimes it is not safe to be out to family. And friends can be against it too. In such cases, it is time to get some new friends, who are supportive. Or maybe move to a new city, where the environment is a bit more free. Or if that is not possible, we can at least get in touch with a support group online and meet them in real life when possible. Socialization helps us break out of our shell and meet better people.
Meaning to life :
“Two men, who are committed, end up living a mundane life. There is nothing more than each other’s company … They don’t have weddings to attend to, they don’t have family dinners they are invited to … But, with [straight] marriage, you play the game of the society and feel that your life has a meaning.“
Without social recognition, you will definitely get bored of each other. Movies, dinners and sex can be entertaining for only a limited time. It is time for more.
You can pick up hobbies. It is better if they are related to similar fields. Like imagine one of you is a gardener growing vegetables and the other is into cooking. Or both can start learning chess. Or both can go to karate class together.
Or one of you can learn a musical instrument and the other can learn singing. You can give performances in front of your friends. If they don’t know you are a couple, at least they will know you are a duet band and respect that bond. Plus, they won’t ask why you spend so much time with each other alone.
Or you can go to orphanages or old age homes and do some social service together. The orphan kids will give your their love and the elder people will give you their blessings. Unknowingly, they will be approving of your “jodi”. That is definitely a good replacement for the social approval.
Men are too easy to have sex with :
“With men, you need just the app. If you are lucky, they give you the place, the time and a hassle free session.“
If you are saying that the easy sex makes gay people generally less interested in forming relationships, then yes, it is kind of true. Relationship becomes a lesser priority. Some more reasons are – the fear that the other person will eventually get married, or the fear that the other person is a fraud and will use us for money. So it is difficult to gather the courage and interest for a relationship.
Maybe we need to change the kind of people we hang out with. We should hang out with friends who talk about positive & constructive things and are trying to improve their lives. Maybe go on lesser sex-dates and more on coffee-dates. Eventually we will attract the right kind of guy.
“To get a girl to say yes to sex is a huge deal, at least in India. You need to invest a lot of time for it … She takes up your time, your attention to an extent in return for even basic sexual favours.“
Investing time and effort in a relationship, just so that the other person will ultimately say ‘yes’ for sexual favours – is the worst reason to get into a relationship. Here, the girl doesn’t know whether the guy is being nice just for sex or if he is really interested in her as a person. And for the guy, it becomes a game of landing the girl into bed. This is just pathetic and sad.
I am glad that gay people have easy sex, and do it without playing games. Because then it means that, if/when they form a relationship, they are doing it not for sex, but because they actually like each other as a person.
So if you are single, go ahead and have as much sex as you want using the app. There should be no shame in that. And if you want a relationship, don’t judge him based on whether he has put in efforts to get you in bed. Instead, judge him according to his mind – is he mature? is he interesting as a person? Do you feel respect and love for him?
Summary
I agree that there are many problems with the gay culture in India, but it is not an excuse to get married. Also, no matter how much social pressure there is, you can always avoid marriage using some excuse. Remember how our Hijra sisters are living their real lives irrespective of social pressures. We can take a lesson in courage from them.
And luckily, Indian gay culture has just started blossoming. We have the chance to shape it the way we want. If you want to see a change around you, start with yourself. Develop better friendships, date decent & interesting men, pursue fun hobbies. You will realize that gay life can be more liberating and happy.
The author of this post wished to remain anonymous
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