I have been wondering how to articulate my dilemma in life. I am an alien in this patriarchal and heterosexual dominated society. I have been running from pillar to post to find out an answer as well as a solution to my problem (if it is a problem at all!). When nature put us through some tough test of life, we get perplexed to deal with it. Since childhood I have been experiencing same sex attraction. This is the puzzle point of my life. All bucks start here. I had a very fulfilling childhood as regards material and emotional requirements are concerned. My parents provided me with all the requirements which are considered standard for a lower middle class family in India. As I reached 7 or 8 years of age, I felt attraction for boys of my age. I even sometimes kissed some of my friends and fondled them. I felt tremendous attraction for one of my friends who is two years junior to me. As I reached 10 years of age, I was admitted to a middle school for my upper primary level education. My friend who lived in my neighborhood shifted to a city which was 300 kms away from my place. I felt very bad. Life kept on rolling but my best friend’s memory never erased from my heart.
When I attained 14 years of age, an unexpected thing happened to my life. I was in class X. I used to go for English tuition to one of my school teachers. I never felt any attraction for him. I started going for tuition to him from class IX. Everything was normal during my tuition in class IX. But when I got promoted to class X the situation changed. As the session started and I started to attend my his classes, everyday once classes were over he used to fondle me by pulling my cheeks. Initially I did not feel anything unusual. Then he once or twice kissed me on my forehead and then he kissed my cheeks. Still I didn’t feel any major change in my attitude neither did I feel any attraction for him. I thought that would be that. That episode continued for 3 months from May 1994 to July 1994. By this time I started feeling some attraction for him as I am always attracted to the inter-generational people. In 1994 I was 14 years old and my teacher was around 48 years old. It was a perfect inter-generational love story.
I had an intuition that someday my childhood friend with whom I fell in love when I was 7 years old would return to my life. After 4 years of gap he returned to my place. My joy knew no bound to see him around me. But as is said – man proposes God disposes; it had a darker side too. By this time I reached my teen years, and was quite jubilant without being aware of my troublesome future. I became too enthusiastic to see my friend. My life became ever fulfilling. We started roaming together. We used to play cricket together. I started becoming more intimate with him. But I had always been suspicious of his sexual orientation as well as his emotions for me. I remained absorbed in his thought. He used to come to my house and vice versa. But all my hope went in vain when he told me that he liked girls and he is a heterosexual. I became too demoralized to concentrate on my studies. In spite of all this I decided to concentrate on my studies. I put my best effort and passed the 12th exam with flying colours. Then I again started to long for him in spite of his repeated refusal. I took admission in my graduation (BA with Economics honours) but my failure in courtship affected my studies severely that time.
In all those years my English teacher’s love story had continued, as I was quite perplexed as to what to do as I was not sure of my friend’s love for me. My English teacher loved me deeply. We dated for many days, even though he was a married person. But he told me that he was compelled to marry almost under gun point. I used to go to his home even after my tuition courses were over. We spent intimate hours for many days. We used to spend time together talking about various contemporary issues. We never engaged in sex except kissing; we even didn’t do deep kissing. But we were in deep love. People have a notion that homosexuality is nothing but lust and engaging in anal intercourse. But I and my English teacher never engaged in any kind of anal sex. Our relationship was completely an emotional one. We loved each other’s company. At times we kissed each other. We spent hours talking over different issues. I must mention here that I told everything to my English teacher about my love for my young friend, who was just two years junior to me. I told him that I loved him but he didn’t love me. Moreover he is heterosexual. As I got away from my young friend, I got closer to my English teacher. Our relationship continued for a long time. But some of my batch mates started teasing me badly. They started passing derogatory comments. I became morally down. I knew that I was not wrong but I could not protest as it would have lead to more hardship for me. I had to swallow all these insults as our society does not accept same sex relation. Those days were really horrible for me. I told those matters to my lover (teacher). He was also helpless. We decided to cut away at least partially. But still, some of my classmates used to pass derogatory comment on me.
I still used to meet my young friend whom I had loved very much. I never touched him. He is still my best friend. We talk about various contemporary issues. He remained a great support to me. He understands my plight properly.
By this time I completed my graduation with a 2nd class. I decided to pursue Masters in Economics. I took admission in the University. I remained out of my town for two years. In those two years I hardly met my young friend, and would rarely talk to my teacher over phone. Once my course was complete, I returned to my home town. I got a job in a private school. I worked there for a few years. Then I got a govt. job in an upper primary school. My real struggle starts now.
My parents became over enthusiastic to get me married. All my relatives and family members became stubborn to get me married. Despite every effort of mine to refuse, they became more stubborn. Then I started to look for inter-generational gay relationship on gay dating sites so that I can get out of home town. But I did not find a single fellow who is serious about a relationship. Everybody tells that they are not homosexual just doing experiment in gay sites. I became very depressed. I have contacted some of the LGBT activists. They suggested me to get out of my town and move to some bigger cities like Kolkata or Delhi. But there is a question of livelihood, I am not economically sound enough to be without a job. Here at my home town I am economically safe but I have a big social challenge here. I can’t withstand the pressure of marriage.
In other words I am between devil and the deep sea. If I shift to some big city I have to face economic hardship, if I remain in my home then I have to face the awkward pressure of marriage.
an Asst. Teacher in an upper primary school in the govt. of Assam.
- Being Gay in a Small Town: My Untold Story - November 27, 2017