Almost around a decade back, when my brother moved out of town for his studies, me and my sister celebrated that day. I don’t know how Indians felt when they got freedom – it wasn’t anything less than that. I don’t know what she felt about it, but it was deep in my head that my brother didn’t like me much. But gradually I understood it was indeed just in my head – he loved me but in his own way. Is love really about loving in your own way or is it about knowing the ways in which your loved ones desire to be loved? Whichever way it is, I still don’t have the answer.
Coming out to my younger sister, which happened a couples of months back, was all spontaneous and effortless. It was a mere exchange of secrets between siblings, luckily because of the amazing bond we share. It was in my mind from quite a long time that she has got to know me better; and on a fortunate day I remember texting her – “There wasn’t any girlfriend in Pune – but a boyfriend.” Not even a pinch of drama was required to make it digestible – she took it so well. It is indeed a blessing to have such a thoughtful sister. And, with the call that followed my text, I felt I should have told this to her this earlier and could have managed to have a few lesser years of pretence. But there’s always a right time for everything and it’s always worth waiting for that.
But, this part of my account – my coming out story- isn’t about this, but is about a night I hardly bear in my head. It was my brother’s ring ceremony’s eve or may be his wedding day as the hour and minute hand were already standing upright straight few minutes back (to witness a not-so-straight story). It was the last time when I took out my cell and bothered to see time.
For the obvious reasons, it was a big day for our family and I had made it bigger with nine or may be ten pegs of Black Dog. I hardly remember the exact count. And, in those heavy minutes, my mind turned lighter by coming out to my brother.
Out of those liquidated broken memories, I could recollect it was indeed an emotional moment. It wasn’t planned undoubtedly – and even I never ever dreamt of baring this side of me to my brother. It was again in my mind that he will never understand about my sexuality, or maybe he will make it more worse for me. But to my surprise (I do feel ashamed about saying this), for the first time in my life I felt I too have an elder brother. I will never forget that tight hug. And his words: “I am blessed to have a brother like you. I am with you at every stage of life. And, from now on, I should be the first person to know about your problems.” You might ask how I remember it all? That is because he had sent this over WhatsApp, which I checked the next day.
May be I was lucky enough to get such understanding siblings, but you never know when a relation can surprise you. It’s your family, they have every right to know you – in every aspect. Remember, blood is always thicker than water.
Sometimes, I feel it’s all in our head and we keep on bothering ourself. And, to help yourself with it you need to come out of that box – let go of those notions which you keep inside your head. Happiness is entirely subjective.
- Coming Out To A Brother - March 7, 2014
- What Matters In The End? - January 3, 2013