Well, to put it all into words: I would like to start from this statement. “One bird with two faces and wings that are not supposed to fly”. I believed this is all wrong and I should not even think about it while at the same time fantasized vividly about another boy. Yes, I am talking about that time when I naturally started feeling about other young cute boys only (to make it worse if not fatal).
I’ve in my whole life been a good obedient boy with great grades. I prayed punctually and was deeply faithful. Then, these feelings appeared. Well, I didn’t resist them in the first place as I didn’t know much about sex and stuff (thanks to a curriculum without sex education). But soon, I realized it’s just not okay to have sexual feelings for others publicly, and to have such feelings towards other boys? No way! And then the preaching followed, forbidding it completely, claiming that it’s a sin and unnatural and that the ones even having thoughts of doing these things with another boy are doomed to go to hell. I was worried now but also a lot confused, why the hell is it a sin if it’s all coming naturally? But I saw many preachers doing really “sinful” things with little boys (but that story is for another time).
I didn’t feel like abusing a child, but all I wanted was to cuddle with another guy, a kiss maybe and not much (and with a guy my age as I am no pedophile like all the preachers claim).
Later, I discovered there is more to it than just some cuddles and kisses and boy I was threatened now. I mean on one hand it is a total sin to have such feelings and on the other hand I wanted to do it hardcore (as I will choose to quote). Why were the people who claimed it was unnatural and sinful doing it themselves with little boys?
Why were the other people who were practicing it hardcore were not taking a stand for it and instead living a double life? Why? There are several question screaming in my mind. Is it always supposed to be like this? Same hypocrisy? Same double lives? Marrying a woman for society and fucking a guy for self satisfaction!
Some life eh! Well, when I’m confused about some things I start researching about it, even if the content is considered sinful. I tried hard to understand it all. I started exploring about it, reading articles, blogs, videos and books on social media. Slowly, I realized that how misinterpreted it all is!
How people are bending the meanings of words taken for granted and how massive this foul practice is. To be honest, I really don’t like it here. But this is where I belong and I will try to live here perfectly. Many compromises for sure. Many firsts too. Yet you need someone to break the ice. Let’s just say it’s all still experimental, but hey! Aren’t we living in a country that is by its very nature a result of a great experiment?
Lets hope we develop a world that celebrates innocent love of all kinds.
- Being Gay in Pakistan - April 26, 2017