When I was fifteen
I discovered my secret
What society deemed an affliction
What my friends laughed about.
Convinced of its monstrosity
Afraid of being shunned
I decided to lock the animal up
Pushing it deep inside the closet of my mind
Hoping that it would disappear
Praying that it was just a phase.
Believed that the veils of denial,
Would make it go away.
And when this failed,
The scars on my bare heart would deepen,
From the whips and lashes of Guilt, Shame and Disappointment.
I begged them to stop,
In the dark cold nights,
Where no one could see those tears
Or hear my desperate cries.
Can you imagine the resolve it takes?
To put on a mask of smile
While war wages at each moment
That threatens to tear you apart
Eventually
I would come to terms with my fate
Surrendering myself to numbness of unfathomable depth.
It would no longer pain,
Because it would no longer matter.
I could no longer lie to myself.
But the lie about myself,
Would be the truth for everyone else-
Forever.
But in this darkest night
A few sunrays managed to pierce the darkness
Giving me the warmth and comfort that I didn’t know
Slowly chipping away the walls of fear
Giving me the courage to do,
What seemed unthinkable before.
I finally opened the doors of the closet.
And the sight in front of me was the most unexpected.
It felt like I was looking into a mirror.
But the smile and radiance and the beauty of the reflection
Was something I had never seen before.
The clouds in the sky
Could no longer hold the tears and emotions
Pouring it all out over me
The old forgotten scars,
Would vanish at the touch of the tears.
At the beach of self-acceptance,
The caged bird of Happiness
Finally released
And the Ocean of Rainbow
Raged in front of me.
As the waves crashed the shore
Drenching me in its beautiful colours
Of hope and love
Setting me free
And taking away the broken shackles.
I could finally see a world
Where I could live my life
Without any shame.
With this my own journey begins
Along with countless others.
The path is long and difficult,
With many battles lying ahead
But none of them shall stop us,
With the fires of Pride
Unleashed in our hearts
We will continue to fight
And march ahead,
To realise our dream
Of a better world.
- Poem: The Ocean of Rainbow - March 19, 2019