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Why Was It Me?

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Navchintan writes about the other sufferer in his life of duality as a gay married man- his wife, and warns others from marrying unsuspecting girls

 

I am 36-year-old gay man who lived a closeted life until now. I have dreamed of men since I ever realized that I could dream. I was never attracted to women. I knew that I was unique. However, what I did not know was that this was an alternative reality. I got married to a woman, who was beautiful, talented, caring, smart and loving. I went on to hide myself deeper into the closet, trying to fit into the heterosexual world, venturing out to cruising places to satisfy the carnal desires once in a while. I had been living a dual-life filled with guilt and self loathing. Then life takes over as usual. I had 2 sweet children. The guilt of doing wrong stopped me from seeking out men and I immersed myself into work. I am now 10 years into the marriage. Shameless to say, I have not had sex with my wife more than 5-6 times in these 10 years. You may ask, “Did your wife tolerate it?” Yes, she did. She did question sometimes, but I had an excuse everytime. She was in love with me and did not want to hurt me. Lack of sexual intimacy is a ground for divorce, but she did not do that.

It was a day in the breezy month of September, winter had not yet set in, I met this guy again over whom I had a crush 10 years ago before my marriage. The breezy evening, the hot espresso and the smiling face of this hot crush of mine in front of me, I was on cloud nine and realized that I was in love. A great feeling to be in. I was deep, really deep in love with this guy. I completely forgot that I had a family back home and that I am a married man with two kids. Nothing crossed my mind. I started courting this guy until he dumped me into the abyss by saying “I am straight” to my “I love you.” Ha, heartbroken, I fell straight on the ground. I was so lovelorn. I was so depressed. I could not control my emotions. WHY ME??? WHY WAS IT ME GOD??? WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME???

I met a counselor, who was a godsend and helped me through my heart break and made me understand who I was and what my needs were as a human being. While dealing with my heartbreak, I was introduced to a great support group Good As You(GAY) Bangalore. Words will not be able to do justice if I have to say how helpful this group was to me. I started accepting myself. I made good friends and started living my life afresh.

This is not what I wanted to write about. “WHY WAS IT ME?” is about the other sufferer in my life of duality — my wife.gay man married to straight woman

A 32-year-old sweet, beautiful, intelligent, well-educated, loving girl, who got married to me 10 years ago with starry eyes, entering into wedded bliss, hoping for love-filled, fulfilling life with a loving and caring husband. She fell in love with me when we met for the first time. I was a very good actor, you see. She was in awe, especially, with all her friends and relatives praising her for such a great choice (I can say this about myself; I am always smiling, sweet looking, caring, loving and happy-go-lucky guy). She was blinded by the probable-Oscar-winning act of mine. Though I can take shelter by saying, “I was ignorant,” but I for sure knew (and most people like me also know) that I should not be getting married to a woman.

I could continue my act for quite sometime without her suspecting. Then, I got a superb idea, I thought to myself, “If we have a baby, then she would get diverted to the caring of the child and the need to have sex would come down.” With this brilliant thought, I was successful in a very brief time, and lo and behold, I was a dad. Being a father, the feeling was lovely to hold the child in my arm; it all felt right. I could convince myself that my decision to get married was right. I was a doting and caring father. My wife was again taken away by my father act. She fell in love with me all over again. Once the child had grown up a little, she started looking for intimacy and sex. I took the shelter of working in nightshifts (thanks to the BPOs and ITES companies). I could pass off as being tired and stressed and hence not interested in having sex. Hats off to her, she has been really tolerant and bought my excuse. When she started to discuss about sex more often, then I thought, it was the time for the second child, and we discussed about it and yes, we had our second bundle of joy. This time, I over did the father act to cover up, and she fell, head-over-heels in love with me again.

My wife got her tubes cut so that we can have sex without the fear of her getting pregnant. She wanted to be the best wife ever and satisfy me to the fullest extent. All this while, I knew that I cannot be what she wants me to be. There were nights of arguments about why we have such a bad sex life, and she suggesting me to visit an urologist to get myself checked.

During all this, my love affair that I had spoken about earlier, happened. When I came to terms with accepting who I was and that I could fall in love with a guy, I realized what my wife would have been going through. The heartbreak that I went through as the person I loved did not love me back; she also has been going through it. At least, the friend of mine whom I fell in love with did not waste 10 years of my life to tell me that things would not work out.

What was I doing here? I have been denying her the basic human need of being loved and being in love. Is it right on my part? Doesn’t she deserve to know the truth? Does she have to live without love only because she is married to me and that she has kids? Isn’t it her right to lead a life of her choice? Can I not be concerned about her life as a friend at least? I do love her as a friend.

I started thinking these questions. I realized that we are humans and we make mistakes, but we need to take responsibility of our mistakes and try to be truthful and honest.

I realized that the only way that she would get answers to all her questions would be if she gets to know who I am. I took the support of my friends, Good As You, and my counselor and decided to come out to her.

I came out to her, and I know she is devastated, and we are still going through the process. I will write my coming out story again as that is not what I am trying to say in this story.

The purpose of me writing this is to throw light on the silent sufferer. I have been talking to gay guys around about what they think about getting married to a woman. There are many guys with a mindset that they should get married to a woman to satisfy their parents and relatives, and have sex with men outside. This thought itself is so derogatory towards women. These guys are not even considering what would happen to the women in these situations. I again feel that we are taking women for granted as we have been doing since ages. Women and their feelings are not respected in this country which idolizes women as Goddesses but do not treat their women well. I am turning feminist. A homosexual man marrying an unsuspecting straight woman is EQUIVALENT TO CHEATING. I know I am using a very strong word, but I strongly feel it is true. I am a very kind human being, and I would not hurt anyone, but what did I do with my wife? I feel so frustrated looking at my wife’s suffering.

None of us have any right to spoil someone else’s life. We should take responsibility of our life and of others too.

I really hope someone who is reading this understands and makes a decision to not hurt a soul of an unsuspecting woman.

Let us be human. Let us love ourselves. Let us love others.

 

PS: In Bangalore, under the umbrella of Good As You and Swabhava, we have started an initiative to set up a support group for Married and Queer people (for all genders and orientation). This group meets every alternate Saturday at the Swabhava Office. This is a group for Married & Queer and people who are queer and are getting married heterosexually by force, choice or ignorance. To know more about this group you can visit the following links

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/goodasyoublr

http://www.facebook.com/groups/GoodAsYouBlr

Navchintan
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28 Responses

  1. chinnikrishna

    I admire u for what u have done. Not many will have that courage to do what u have done. I know there are people who don’t approve of what u have done or doing but Darling, u rock. wish u and Ur wife loads of strength to handle this situation. hugs from Stuttgart 😉

    And for all of those who consider marriage with a girl is THE door to “Normality” trust me, u spoil ur life and along with it somebody else life as well. It becomes even more complicated to deal with ‘your sexuality’ issues then.

    It feels impossible not to say no to what your parents or the society expects from you but once you believe strongly that you want to live your life and do not want to hurt anyone consciously, please take sometime and think about it. You would need help, so please approach this group mentioned in the article and then try to make a decision. Marriage is a not necessarily a life long commitment but it is still a big commitment. So don’t be a coward and give up on you, yourself and please remember we ourselves would never want to be cheated by some other person, that too consciously in any matter. so why do wanna do the same to someone else?

    • Navchintan

      Thank you for the supportive comments. Hugs for you. I just wish that more life do not get spoilt with ignorance. How I wish I should not have been in the situation that I am currently in.

      This is what I would like to tell who are on the crossroads, “Take Responsibility for Your Actions. “

      • rik

        good luck and keep in mind that life is a journey that all mistakes are to be learned. you learn yours and is sharing with other people that may “awake” before making same mistake. People often hear “normal” “natural” “sin” that they do everything to feel a little better. Some don’t even have a choice, otherwise…. which is even more sad, because each one should have the life he\she wants. Anyway hope you have a good life and wish you the best. Hope your story may help others to be more brave

        • Navchintan

          Thank you Rik. Sometimes it is not about having a choice but it is we recognizing who we are and we first accepting it.

    • homo_sapiens

      >> And for all of those who consider marriage with a girl is THE door to “Normality”

      I agree with this point. You shouldn’t marry to become normal. Instead, you should build a marriage in which your differences can thrive while still enjoying a family life.

      Gay life is not forcing us to choose between a false dichotomy: false normality based in a life of lies, and living under a rainbow flag in an eternal gay pride parade. In reality we make choices, and one legitimate choice is to get married to a nice girl and have a family, as per my description below.

  2. Ruchit Pathak

    So whats the solution ?
    Marry a lesbian girl ? Or be bold marry a guy… And in process hurt family and co … ?
    You did a great job of writing the problem statement … But the comman closet gay (like me) is looking for a solution…. …..or many would die single !

    • Vijay

      If you are looking at a solution, then coming up with a ‘closed’ set of answers in mind like that will never work out. Yes, true on a broader prospect they are the choices. And, honestly they are the solution. But depends on who YOU are and what is more VALUABLE to YOU. Not just now, but for a life time.

      E.g Let me be an example – my decision. Over the past few years, I learnt to be a better man. Not societies’ definition of man – but what only a real man would understand. I am a guy who was and is still very sensitive and emotional. I do not have the skills and strength to survive the vicious World out there. Yet, I learnt to be true to myself. I decided I would be who I am. Did not ‘how’ when I started. But I am there now. I knew this truth of me will hurt my family, and at that time, I thought I am one mean fucking piece of shit who would do this his family. But last few months, I learnt that’s not true. I love my family and I am as scared as most of us are. Yet, there is no change in my decision.

      Even more harsher thing for me is – yes, I might die single. For in this superficial World of ours’, I am a dark skinned south indian guy with few extra pounds, and features that are not drop dead.

      Bottom line, there are/is no simpler-easy way out of this situation for us. You have to face them head on. ‘Marriage’, in this part of the World, is a time of test on who we are and what we are. So make your choices – for they define YOU. Whatever they are – they are your’s to make.

    • Navchintan

      Hi Ruchit Pathak:

      We have no “One Solution Fits All”. We need to handle situations as best as possible with total honesty. Unless, you accept yourself, you will not be able to influence society to accept you. Yes being in closet, is comforting to an extent but you being in closet starts affecting another unsuspecting life is something to be given a thought about. I have made a mistake and I know what it is to be in such a situation. If I could rewind my life and change something, then that would be my marriage, I would not have let it happen. Be brave. Do not lose hope. Take support and find support groups in your area. One thing I can tell you for sure is “Coming out is liberating.” Once you take the tough decision of coming out and come out to your family, you will definitely face a tense situation and lot of emotional turmoil, but at the end of all that, you would have a bright happy life ahead of you.

      Wish you all the best in your life.

      Love
      Navchintan

      • James

        Kudos to you for having the guts to go through it. It take courage to be who you are & accept ones mistakes & own the responsibility to fix them.

        Its not unheard of LG getting married for sake of society/parents/self/force/frustration etc.

        The gentleman looking for the answer:
        Look at the big picture & think long term:
        Marriage is easy & quick fix that keep the parents happy & society off your back but where do you end up? A sad frustrated marriage if painful for every single day, not only to yourself & your partner but also for your parents. The same society will gossip about your marriage & poke fun at it. A sad divorce makes it worse & in the process you have successfully ruined somebody else’s life too. Society is not always right, we had & have some horrible practices we follow as a society. We need to recognize what is wrong & fix it, & for that we need to stand up for ourselves, change starts at home. It is not easy but it is totally worth it.

  3. Rohan

    Dearest , it was really an emotional out come , reading ur life’s fact. Even I’ve been facing the same problem as urs. Bt the difference is , I am still childless(I got married 7 years back.) In my case also the frequency is very less. 15 times in 7 years. But the worse fact is , I haven’t done 100% successfull sex with my wife till the date. I even don’t allow her to touch me while sleeping together. Sometimes I feel how can we live throught the life ! I am also trying to find some solution like you.

  4. Gay guy from delhi

    I have been hearing and reading of such things as marriages between gay men and straight woman for long now. Mostly, such marriages take place owing to pressure from family. The man in the marriage is left so much the worse for it, for it is he who ends up at the receiving end. The marriage he has entered seems to him the biggest blunder of his life – his biggest regret. The only way out is a divorce, which would entail a lot of mud slinging, and he would need to brazen it all out to get free in the end. And then, when he does obtain the divorce, he is back to square one. So, why did he have to go through such a rough ride foremost? Just because he had known guys to marry gals and had gone along for the ride since his family wanted him to, or as he considered himself one of the boys? Yes, you got it right! There are also men who might think sexually only of men, but may not think much of tying the knot with them and would rather do so with a woman. I don’t know how to label them, actually. Do they seem to be gay a hundred percent? Or do they not? It’s all very confusing. In India, there are likely many such men, to say nothing of macho men who think of men only sexually but when it comes to romance and courtship, it’s women who win their hearts. But those are not really gay as such. They’re just men who like sex with other men. So, we’ll just kick them outta the discussion for a while. *And besides, they’re not my type, anyway, coz they’re not likely gay*
    Now, as to those kinds of men who really don’t wanna marry women, it’s either that they don’t wanna marry guys either and would rather end up with no-one at all and stay single all their life, or that they would wanna see themselves settled down with guys. But unfortunately, people don’t really let one be, do they? So, these men are then pressurized into marrying women, which is the last thing they’d wanna do.
    Now, the fact of the matter is that both the sorts of men are gay, the only difference being that one is content with just lust and sex around other males and the other wants more – it wants love. *That reminds me of “Love etc.” by the Pet Shop Boys, incidentally*
    Both the sorts are shattered when they are forced into a beastly marriage to the opposite gender, but it’s the sort that seeks love – of other men – that suffers a double whammy, because not only does it not get to quench the fire of its lust, but does not get to experience the bliss of being in love with someone of the much-desired same sex, either. This sort of a double blow drives the man all the way to end it all. Sadly, it is more men that women who contemplate such drastic steps.
    I also reckon that someone who is gay and has been pushed headlong into a marriage to some broad, well, it is impossible for him to consummate the marriage or the so-called relationship were he truly gay as such – gay in the real sense of the word. I am gay, I don’t for one moment think he is ever going to get it up in the presence of a woman. You can’t get it up before a woman – you can’t if you’re gay. So, if a man who happens to be gay and has had to consummate his marriage to a woman in spite of himself, I shouldn’t wonder if he’ll have died a thousand deaths within in order to have done so. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t! I can only get erect if I see another man – a man who was born a male, who has got his wedding tackle intact (and preferably strictly gay…nudge, nudge, wink, wink). That’s what would get mine up. Take, for example, the case of Prince Manvendra Singh Gohil of Rajpipla in Gujarat. He came out to the world a coupla years ago and has also been on the Oprah Winfrey Show. He said in interviews that the marriage of his to a woman could never be consummated, and was a total disaster and failure. His people disowned him, but he did not let that bow him down.
    I know it takes a lot of courage to be like him, but then, you can do anything if you try to.
    In one of the comments up above, a Rohan said that he wouldn’t allow his wife to so much as touch him in bed and has not been able to go all the way with her so far. I’d say, “Way to go, buddy!” That’s the spirit! That’s what bespeaks your gayness in its real sense. No one in his senses could really take it all the way with a woman if he was gay. The very idea is repulsive to me. I’m like, eeeewwww, ugh, gross! Women don’t turn me on! They turn me off instead. How can I perform if I am turned off? Simple mechanics, isn’t it? But the sight of a naked man, ah, yes, that arouses the wolf instinct in me like crazy.
    In such a scenario, marriage to a woman would JUST BE THE PITS! IT COULD NEVER EVER WORK OUT FOR ME. YOU’RE BOUND TO FEEL LIKE A FISH OUTTA WATER. On the one hand sex is rearing its passionate head as usual and you wanna get with a guy, but on the other hand, you’re tied down to a woman! Imagine the chagrin! It is far better to mind your step than end up remorseful.

    • Devan

      Hi , Guy from Delhi, your comments on women are very disrespectful. “You can’t get it up before a woman – you can’t if you’re gay. No one in his senses could really take it all the way with a woman if he was gay.”
      Where do you get your research facts? As a gay man you need to understand homophobia is linked to misogny. Sex happens in the brain -not in the genitals. The word “Gay” is a mix of social identity and sexual orientation. Ever heard of MSM- men who have sex with men- but DO NOT identify as gay or bisexual.
      Sexual orientation is more complex than who excites our genitals and it is not based on a binary system of only sexual attraction or sexual orientation.

  5. Devan

    Dear Navchintan, your authencity and bravery in coming out to your wife is to be praised. But it is better to be honest to your wife now then lead her down a path of lies forever. No one is happier in the situation and the children suffer too. I can hear it must be very hard on your wife but at least she will know it is not her fault. Many times a spouse will think it is something she or he did, did not do, and live with the shame and failure. In the long run – you have freed her of much blame. In a male dominnat society-women are blamed for everthing that goes wrong. She may not see the light now- but give her time just as you needed time to come out. At the end of the day we all have to live with my conscience and integrity of our actions. I visit many friends in Chennai, many of the gay men are married, I know it is not an easy choice for many. I believe for every gay man that lives an authentic life, it helps another gay/queer man comes out. Many blessing to your wife, you and kids.

  6. Gay guy from delhi

    Hi, Devan, guy from Chennai, I reckon everything’s gonna be clear as a bell to you with this feedback. The one aspect of essence you’re going to have to accept beyond a shadow of a doubt – unfortunately for you, with a most heavy heart – is that it is because of specimens like YOU in society, more specifically, in the Indian society, that there prevails a good degree of ignorance, maliciousness and lack of judgement. People such as you, or rather, specimens such as you are likely to misjudge and misquote others to a certain extent of beastly pleasure gained out of it. As a matter of fact, I think you need to go back home and do a little bit of homework yourself before going on to wrongfully lambaste others raising voices against something like cruel or unfair treatment. You seem to be one of those people who will want to always blame everything on the gay man trapped in a marriage to some straight women. So, you don’t really seem to be gay-friendly, do you? Let me straighten out the facts that you have most wilfully distorted. Everything I said before was perfectly true, logical, and substantial. A man who is gay in the strict sense of the word cannot have sexual intercourse with a woman. This is a grounded fact. Run back and check up on it all before pointing fingers at anyone. In no way is it disrespectful of anyone. It is a rightfully stated fact. And nobody can deny it WHATSOEVER! Anybody calling the statement disrespectful in any fashion is most likely PARANOID or something, out to make much ado of nothing. As a gay man, I find women sexually repulsive, which is all the very natural for me, or has to be for any man who’s born gay, for that matter. There’s no denying it!
    As for the word gay, it is merely a label for a sexual orientation – a sexual orientation in which members of a particular gender are sexually or romantically attracted ONLY AND ONLY to other members of the very gender, with no iffs and buts to it. Sexual orientation is solely based on sexual attraction. Anyone who is right in mind has only to look up Wikipedia for information on the concept of sexual orientation and they’ll be much the wiser.
    I just don’t see where, how, or in what way I have disrespected anyone at all. It just goes to show how you perceive things. The very things that are to be viewed brightly can be shown in a bad light. It depends on the observer, how you look at things.
    When I say that the marriage of a gay man to a woman is hell on earth, I jolly well MEAN IT! It isn’t something to be taken lightly or with a pinch of salt. Such marriages can wreck the life of a gay individual beyond measure – to the point of no return. If you look at India, which happens to be my native soil, there are people like Devan in here who talk about the society being dominated by men and women having to suffer as a result. Well, for one thing, these are on feminist agendas! No doubt there are men who do numbers on women to fathomless extents, but there are also women who wreck the lives of men with false allegations, schemes and plans. By saying whatever I did, I endeavoured to speak up for gay men who have lost everything to a marriage to a woman – their peace of mind, their reason, their well-being, their joy and laughter, their ambition, their career, their whole raison d’être – the whole shooting match. Many are left unhinged with stupefation and unwanted guilt. They believe they are guilty as though they have committee some sort of rape, whereas it’s their own life that gets raped. Funny how rapists of women have been getting away but men who have wrongfully got entangled in a marriage to some woman get a lot of stick. Rather, it is none but they who get stick! I don’t understand why the marriage is made such a big issue out of. At the most it will end up in a divorce. There are far more ways in which lives of women have been ruined by straight men and other women than those by gay men. It is with a saddened heart that gay men would choose to marry a woman, because they’re bowed down. Either they have ve succumb to pressure or deal with it! They are left with no choice. This begs the inevitable question – who is to blame. It is society, for its terrible views on relationships and marriage. Conservative, orthodox, narrow-minded hypocritical views. And what does society mostly comprise of? Straight men and women. Thus it is these straight men and women of the indian society that make the lives of gay men such disasters. The straight men all around the closeted gay men raise their eyebrows when they refuse to marry. They raise questions about the fecundity of the closeted gay men, about their sanity, etc. And what do women do? They blame the guy for marrying her whereas he was left with no choice but to. So it is this bloody ignorant and backward society of India. You, Devan, are one of these straight men and women, who eventually do nothing to help gay men out.

  7. Gay guy from delhi

    Gay men don’t attempt to throw stones in calm water. They don’t aspire to rock the boat for others like society does. They don’t plead guilty to attempted rape of women like straight men very often do. It is in fact, straight men and women that are responsible for the woes of women. Take, for instance, child marriage. Women in india have had their marriages contracted by their parents, who made an integral part of the society, at such tender ages when they barely knew what’s what. Then, should anything happen to the prospective groom, the poor mite, the girl was widowed for life and shunned by her own parents and community. Not to mention the raw, tender age at which little boys were married off! Was it good for the lives of either? When the indian society itself has been full of such evils that did no good to women, why blame gay men just for marriage? If society were to let us gay men be, we would never even dream of marrying anyone of the opposite gender, let alone harbour the terrible idea. I wouldn’t for a million dollars! Why blame us? Why make us feel guilty for no fault of ours? We are driven into marriage to a woman, we don’t marry by choice or discretion. It is the fault of the ones who make gay men marry women, not of gay men themselves. On no account must they be to blame! But the woman and the society puts the blame on the gay man! And drives him up against the wall. He begins to feel that lump in the throat owing to guilt for getting into a marriage that would lead nowhere. He begins to think himself as the culprit of some inconceivable crime he considers having committed, whereas he has not! Society makes him. The people around him torment him both if he married and if he didn’t. Either way they take the rap for no fault of theirs, but for the fault of the society. Where does get off doing this? When a marriage between a straight man and a straight woman breaks up, it is hard to say who is at fault. But when one involving a gay man does, it is most easy to say the gay man is definitely not at fault!! No doubt of it!

  8. Devan

    dear dear gay guy from Delhi, I sense you are very angry. I was just pointing out to you sexual orientation is not the same as sexual behavior. Please see research below. I work in research – and you want research facts , Wikipedia is Not the site to go to. Wikipedia is not evidence based science. Nor should anyone generalize that all the problems of gay are due to women. You need to understand when gay men were dying of AIDS –the people who stepped up to help gay men were all WOMEN. The person who removed homosexuality as a mental illness from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual was a straight woman-Dr. Josephine Hooker. We owe much to women.

    There are numerous research studies to document sexual behaviour is not aligned with sexual orientation. The New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene in 2003, found notable discordance between sexual behavior and sexual identity among MSM, 73% of whom self-identified as heterosexual. Heterosexual-identified MSM and gay-identified MSM had different demographic and behavioral characteristics (Pathela.P et al, 2006) http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1470570/

    When the researchers were asked, “Do straight identified men have sex with men? http://www.annals.org/content/145/6/416/reply
    . “ Pathela et al. reported that, of the heterosexual or straight-identified men from the five boroughs of New York City, “9.4% reported having sexual intercourse with at least 1 man (and no woman) in the year before the survey.” In the survey 70 percent of the men are heterosexually married and 10 percent of all married men in this survey reported engaging in same-sex behavior.”
    Take care

  9. Gay Guy from delhi

    Oh my gosh, you have stuck on like a leech and now you won’t get off, Devan! Do you think I have all the time in the world? It is sad that you have still not got the point. I don’t think you need to waste my time with your statistics, because I never asked for them nor did I ever mean to discuss them. I think you are highly confused and you need a little bit of help to understand the enormous difference between what I had said and what you say. I never talked about men having sex with men. I never talked about sexual behaviour. I was referring to sexual orientation. It is again sad to see that you still have not been able to read back on my write-up and carefully study it before blindly going on to write about something entirely off-topic. All I said was it was impossible for a gay man – oh well, do you know who a gay man is? Or don’t you? A gay man is a man who identifies as gay – to put it the way you might get the picture better. So, all I had said was that a man who IDENTIFIES HIMSELF AS GAY CANNOT INDULGE IN COITUS with a woman. Now I am using scientific words. For your info, I took biology in my eleventh grade. A MAN WHO IS SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO ONLY HIS GENDER – A GAY MAN – A HOMOSEXUAL MAN – CANNOT MAKE IT WITH A WOMAN. Go to any sexologist and he’ll tell you the same, I shouldn’t wonder. It is just a plain-stated fact. There are no ifs and buts to it. There is no disrespect caused anywhere. It is a SCIENTIFIC FACT! SCIENTIFIC! You got it now? Or maybe it still hasn’t sunk in? Oh, my goodness gracious, God help you! I think this is something so simple that even a computer would have understood it. Gosh! I couldn’t care less about men having sex with men regardless of sexual orientation. That was never my point of discussion at all. It is pathetic for you to have misconstrued the whole thing and just gone about rambling away for no good reason. I don’t think I have got so much time on my hands to kill, you know. I’d have rather solved a Sudoku puzzle that engage in meaningless discussion over things that don’t concern me in any way. Do me a favour and carry on with your research on men having sex with men and keep yourself engrossed in it with all the time in the world. And as far as women are concerned, i don’t care whether it was a woman or a man who fought for gay rights, but one thing is for sure – it is a great deal because of the attitude of women, particulary Indian women, that men, particularly Indian men, are driven to think in a particular manner. There are so many instances of indian witches laughing at two guys getting cozy or touchy-feely with one another, or even chiding them for it. When Dunno Y Na Jaane Kyun was put to the test at the censor board, it was women who turned up their noses in disgust at the steamy scenes between the two men in the flick, a flick that was going to be the first of its kind in the whole nation. Many of the straight men in india, it is purported, seem to think that they will end up laughing stocks if spotted kissing one another by women, so they shy away from one another and try to act macho, because, most women admire machismo in guys, and even like the baddies. But when they see feminine guys or gay guys, they laugh at their faces or behind their backs. Thus the straight men couldn’t help but choose to follow suit with the women and be hostile to gay men (indians in particular). THERE IS NO NEED TO FIGHT THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES WITH ME, SEEING AS YOU’RE A MAN YOURSELF. LEAVE THAT TO THE WOMEN. There have been lesbian feminists, who hate the sight of men. Why don’t you go and tackle them for once?

    • homo_sapiens

      >> Now I am using scientific words. For your info, I took biology in my eleventh grade.

      Hate to be overly scientific also, but sex is not just coitus. If getting hard is a major impediment to sex with a woman, fingers and toys do as well, if your tongue is broken.

      Also, risking scientific accuracy once again, sexual response in males is rarely an all or nothing thing. Kinsey’s scale went from 1-6 and most people were not 1 or 6, but fell somewhere in between. This means most men who we think of as gay are actually bisexual to some degree. I count myself a member of this majority.

  10. Gay Guy from delhi

    Why don’t you go and tell them not to be feminists and worship men instead? Can’t there be gay masculists or gay male chauvinists? You seem to be part of such society who finds it cute or amusing if two women cuddle up together but disgusting if two guys do. You don’t have to show me what women has done for us. And please don’t associate women with gay rights. I think gay rights are entirely different from women’s. Just because both have been discriminated against doesn’t mean you could club them together. If straight men are against gay men, it doesn’t mean that straight women are for gay men. Just because the one who wrote homosexuality off as a disease turned out a straight woman doesn’t mean every straight woman is of the same opinion and you have to go about crying “three cheers for women”! There is no logic in your argument so it would be better if you took your mangina stuff elsewhere. I am not going to buy what you say. There’s no use arguing pointlessly.

    • Aditi

      Wow. You’re one misogynist guy.

      There this word “patriarchy”. Google it. And, then come back and tell me gay rights are different from women’s right.

  11. Gay Guy from delhi

    You’re a traitor to your own sex trying to influence me with your mangina-like ideas. If you wanna hero-worship women you can keep at it but don’t even dare to work your stuff on me coz it won’t work and you’ll end up worse off. I have no time for such nonsense. Just making a mountain out of a molehill. You don’t seem to have any better stuff to do, that’s why you’re at it engaged in such stupid discussions, never resting your case. Keep at it for all I care. I can’t be bothered. Peace out.

  12. Vishal S. Purohit

    hi gay guy from delhi i totaly agree with u myself i not married. my sister told i have seen gudluking girl for u but i told i dont want marry didi told why u not marry. I told no. didi becom upset. i told didi i dont like girl didi told why, i told i like boy didi upset also told dont talk i told didi i also dont talk to you go to hell. All girls is bitch. for infermation pls see how woman beat gay hsband pls read this http://www.gaystarnews.com/article/woman-beats-gay-husband-death-new-delhi-india110713

  13. homo_sapiens

    I didn’t read your post in detail. I want to comment on the idea that gay men should not get married to women.

    Access to reproduction should be considered as much a human right as the right to enjoy “gay pride” and identify as gay. Gay men who argue against marriage are also, without thinking about it, cutting gay men off from access to wombs. Hate to put it so bluntly, but that is the relevant reproductive counterpart. Generally, since wombs are not found in men, and since women generally do not agree to reproduce with any random person they meet, saying gay men should not marry is very much like saying gay men should not reproduce.

    But I think gay men should reproduce. Until and unless a whole new social attitude is established which enables gay men access to reproduction without marriage, I say we should not discourage gay men from marriage.

    Instead we should encourage a different concept of marriage.

    Much of your post, what I read of it, has more to do with your personal psychological issues than with marriage or with your wife. You believe you are living a lie, and that by living a lie you are deceiving your wife. And by deceiving your wife, you are doing her wrong. You describe your fathering activity as an act which only fooled your wife.

    You have built up such a complex of guilt and estrangement from yourself that nothing you do is true and everything is false.

    But this is the falsehood that is undermining your life. There is nothing false about being gay AND being married AND having children.

    Here is my recipe for a happy marriage between a gay man and a woman.

    1. Definitely love and respect the woman. In a culture of arranged marriages, it is not necessary to sexually lust after your wife, or have a deep romantic attachment. How many heterosexual marriages do not figure these overwhelmingly, and yet the household is successful, and the members are happy, more or less? Love is not just lust.

    2. Be sex positive with your wife. You are not doing a duty. You are not going against your nature. You are pleasuring a friend. Do what pleases her.

    3. Create an open marriage. Encourage openly, or in hidden ways, your wife to take other lovers. Arrange for your wife to be taken by your straight friends. Establish the sanctity of SECURITY the marriage, not its bed chamber.

    4. Have and enjoy children. You are not a pretend father, but a real father. Marriage is for children, so enjoy them.

    5. Be as honest with your wife as you can be. She may not understand everything, but she may know more than you realize. Don’t weigh her down with guilt and fears, making her think she married a broken man. There is nothing broken about you, so why should your wife be concerned? Really, what you do on guys night out is none of her business. Gay sex is like a drink after work. Lovers are like best friends. If your wife won’t let you unwind and maintain your friendships, you married the wrong lady.

    Please for the love of Christ, Krishna, and whoever else, stop enforcing a strict identitarian no-marriage, completely de-closeted vision of gay life. It is the wrong way to go. Once you realize you can have gay sex and gay relationships, you will realize, sooner or later, that you can integrate it successfully into a marriage.

    • Navchintan

      Dear Homo_Sapiens: Your comments are really insensitive. I don’t know how could make a statement so bluntly like “right of access to womb”. This is really disgusting. Stop thinking just biologically. We as human beings have more aspects to our personality. I for a fact cannot accept a fact that I would marry a woman for access to womb. I can rent a womb in India in the way of surrogacy (moral arguments apart, at least it does not amount to cheating), why would I go and get married for that. Also, you are undermining the woman and their needs. Most of the gay men married to are heterosexual woman who have sexual interests in their men and you have to live up to it. Dont you know not consummating your marriage is a legal reason for a divorce. Grow up. Coming out as a gay person and living a life of openly gay is far better option even if it means that you might risk staying single for long. Marrying a woman just for the sake of companionship without letting her know that you are gay and having her consent to marry is cheating her outright. Color it however you may want to but this is really disgraceful.

  14. spigot

    Dear Navchintan

    Your story is not unique but your actions are commendable. I hope in the long run, both you and your wife find an acceptable compromise to life a happy and fulfilling life.

    I believe, I too am queer, and to an extent I am under pressure to get married. By any chance do you or anyone else knows of matrimonial sites or support groups where the queer community can find an acceptable match ? I would be quite interested in joining if there is one.

  15. Virat

    Hi Navchintan, One can fully empathize with you. Also appreciate the fact that you got a support group to tide over the difficulty. But how do you intend to shake off from the fatherhood responsibilities. Not sure how the innocent kids can adjust to this and also they will be subject to lot of ridicule in case this is known among their peers. Feel great that you have liberated but a lingering pain that some innocent relations have to struggle for life. Does “Good as you” give any pointers towards this..counselling for the kids, partner, how to take care of their future etc. If something like this is there, then maybe some light is there for more such trapped men to come out of their closet.

    Regarding the comments being floated..Even though I am also from Delhi, pretty shocked at reading a fellow Delhiite blasting the Gentleman “Devan”. Hats off to Devan for maintaining his composure and giving a mature response. As fellow gay men, let us empathize with each other and not fight please!

  16. Gay Guy from Delhi

    I’m back after a long time, and on reading these futile, frivolous comments, I can’t stop laughing at the ignorance of bisexual specimens such as Devan, Virat and pertinent, insolent, and audacious specimens as that aditi. @ Virat: if you are not perceptive enough to go to the depths of affairs, you had better not pass unwelcome remarks. I’m not here to fight fellow gay men at all. Being a gay dude, I love all gay men, even though some might fall under different factions. Notwithstanding, Devan and you, Virat, are not exclusively gay men, you must be bisexual to a certain degree, even if a little. You fail to comprehend that AN EXCLUSIVELY HOMOSEXUAL MAN CANNOT DESIRE ANY female. Therefore straight marriage for a GAY DUDE IS RIGHT OUT OF THE QUESTION. You guys are such IGNORAMUSES that you don’t know that technological facilities like artificial insemination, in vitro fertilization, and nuclear egg transfer exist to allow GAY MEN TO BEGET OFFSPRING of their own DNA. I can very well see that you guys might just as well be living on another planet, so misinformed are you about Gay Progeny. We DON’T WANT WOMEN. WE DON’T NEED WOMEN. Futurism is in the making, the artificial womb is in the pipeline. Stem cells are already on the table. What more do WE NEED?

  17. Aniruddha

    Well, indeed it was a great act on your part to accept what you are and to put that forward in front of the rest of the world my friend.

    However I would just add a point for the sake of the readers, that every ”Bisexual man” is not always a closeted homosexual. It is also very common for bisexual men to be equally sexually attracted to women as well. The problem is that this whole idea behind ”bisexual men are closeted homosexuals” adds to another problem often… and that’s what I wanted to mention in this comment of mine. I know many people who being bisexual, get emotionally attached to gay guys, dig very deep into the emotional bonding with this gay guy and later marry a woman as well… They often claim that being bisexual their attraction to both the sex should be acknowledged.

    The problem here is a little complicated. The bisexual men who are attracted equally to women start assuming their attraction to women as a defining character in their personality, although they continue relationships with men secretly, all along this journey (they trickily go beyond the stereotypical idea that all bisexual people are actually closeted people attracted mainly to their own sex). After marriage when their successful conjugal life is coupled with social acknowledgement, they start treating themselves as heterosexual persons as the ignorant society comfortably assumes them to be. However this often has a devastating effect on the other homosexual guy this bisexual man was related to. The society acknowledges a marital relationship beyond any other and the homosexual relationship on the other hand (which cannot be documented in any form) gets denied and exploited without a slightest hint to the society. A married woman who is cheated by a homosexual husband still has some remedies against him like divorce, social support and compensation throughout their lives, but the other homosexual man who has perhaps equally invested his life into the relationship with the bisexual man has none, when his identity is denied.

    My point in this whole statement is not to hit any particular person or agenda but to state the very idea of a ‘’bisexual person’’ (male or female) is very tricky. I do not deny the fact that there are people who truly have sexual attraction towards both the sex. It is found very often that bisexual people demand that their identity should also be acknowledged and understood. I would like to emphasize that besides having the society to understand the rights of a bisexual persons, the bisexual people themselves should understand their role in the society and their duties towards persons belonging to both the same and the opposite sex they are related to. Their honesty should be important not only to the husband/wife whose rights they deny when they are more inclined to their own sex, it should be equally considered important with the partners of their own sex when they go otherwise .In simple terms before claiming their rights, bisexual people should clarify their stand to both the same and opposite sex partners that they are committing with. Any secrecy, anywhere with anyone is a FRAUD that you have mentioned earlier. Bisexual people would have their rights only when they put forward their identity honestly and openly. Hiding and taking advantage will not do.